Cues
Relationships have rules. Just like running a red light will have—or is likely to have—consequences…perhaps even disastrous consequences; breaking a relationship rule is likely to disrupt, injure or even destroy the relationship. Misspoken words, failure to listen carefully, stepping forward without thinking about the other could very well end up in a relational car wreck. Metaphorically speaking.
Most of us are looking for and are longing to connect with others in a meaningful and satisfying way. We are designed for it. From birth a child looks into the eyes of his/her mother. From very early ages we notice that babies-just a few days old- are disoriented if mom or another caregiver ignores the child’s cues to connect. If mom fails to respond to her child’s coos, eye connect or physical grasping the baby can become unsettled and disoriented. However, if mom looks in the baby’s eyes, pays attention to cues for connection, hunger or discomfort, and shares facial expressions in response to the searching eyes and heart of their newborn, the infant will likely settle.
It seems we are born with an inherent knowing of some of the rules of relational engagement. See me. Interact with me. Respond, share and do this experience with me. Let’s treat each other with regard and care. We seem to know that we should do these things. We have an inner knowing that we must behave in ways that see, hear and acknowledge each other. But what goes wrong? Why is it that so many of us do not experience the deeply satisfying connection with others that we long for?
I would like to take a few moments to focus on mutual regard and the sharing of cues. Cues are when we send out a message to the other, hoping for a response to connect. My husband and I have spent more than a few hours with some very wise counselors. I remember Dr. Ken Logan teaching us that small cues and small acts of connection bring great payoffs in deepening our love for each other. Going for a walk, the lover points at a bird in a tree. The other looks, nods and verbally responds with, “oh beautiful”. I see “that” translates into, “ I SEE YOU”! And this responding, seeing and caring builds bonds of connection, loving and care for the other. I am sure there are many brain studies about this type of connection and I imagine it also has to be really good for our brain and the health of our bodies, our souls and our relationships.
Hear me, see me, know me and like me are the deepest needs we have as a person. We are created in the image of God- Imago Dei. God designed us to have some of the same inner qualities as God’s self. God reaches out to us in Love and when we reach back to God there is deep satisfaction. God instructs us to do the same for each other. Jesus’ teaching were all based on Loving the Lord God and Loving one another. (check out Matthew 22:36-40).
We are hardwired to connect deeply. How are you doing with this? Just a simple act of pointing to a flower or a cloud or a song can be a cue, a pitch for connection. Are you paying attention to the people around you who are sending cues? Can you talk with your spouse, your children and even your co-workers about how to recognize and respond to cues? When a friend, parent, spouse or companion looks, acknowledges and smiles or offers a verbal gift of hearing, seeing and caring then both people experience a deep satisfaction, connection and bonding grows deeper. But when the encounter is denied or brushed off even in a mild way there can be dissention, discomfort, and sadness. Enough pitches ignored can lead to the game being over or seriously in trouble.
When we violate the rules of engagement by ignoring, changing the subject, going off on our own tangent, giving advice or disregarding the other regularly, “dis-ease” will form. This can even lead to physical disease if a person is consistently neglected or treated poorly. This goes for children, teens, and adults. Our children, spouses, and friends are sending out signals- cues to connect- constantly. Are you picking up the signals or are you deflecting, ignoring or even blocking them out entirely? What can be done?
Good news! The smallest gesture can begin to put things back on track. A hand on the shoulder, a kind nudge to the arm, or pointing to the sun reflecting off an airplane flying by, a flower blossoming, or even a bug crawling by…stopping to listen and look together-then at each other- can begin to reconnect the friendship, the parent-child bond, the marriage. This, of course is only one piece of the ways healthy connection and relationships can be restored, but I think that these simple gestures, these kind shifts are available to each of us right here and right now. And, if you would like to practice picking up cues and responding more positively check out the upcoming 4 week ReaLife Virtual support group coming up in September on this website: Events page- yep, that’s a pitch!
This summer our granddaughters came for an extended visit. We all decided to memorize this verse from the apostle Paul’s letter to the Colossians (verse 3:12)
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. (NIV)
As we think more deeply about what makes relationships work- how we connect and bond in mutually satisfying ways- these words can help us. Compassion to embrace another’s suffering, kindness to listen and watch for cues, humility to look honestly at our own self, gentleness for the other (and myself) and patience to let God grow love in and through our own heart and life.
Watch for cues and respond as compassionately, kindly, humbly, and gentle as possible. Oh and don’t forget be PATIENT!