Today is Saturday. A Coffee Day. A while ago I realized that I was drinking 4-6 (or more) cups of coffee a day. I was not sleeping well; my stomach was a mess and I knew something had to change. However, I L-O-V-E that first sip of coffee in the morning. That first sip would lead to the first cup, then another, then coffee with a friend and before the day was over, iced coffee or coffee with hot chocolate would top off the afternoon-depending on the season of course. The moment my head would reach the pillow at night, whether I was dead tired or not, my eyes would not shut, and my legs would feel like Coca-Cola was racing through my veins.
I have tried substitutes: Herbal Tea- nope, that’s the beverage for when I am sick. Lemon water- not very satisfying. Hot Chocolate- too chocolaty! Just skipping a hot beverage all together??? How boring! Nothing seemed to satisfy. I have prayed about this and have tried “thinking techniques” to change my thinking and meditation to change my heart around this, but still the solution escaped me.
Finally, about a year ago one of my health practitioners introduced me to a dandelion beverage. My husband calls it “Dandy”. It is an instant powder that is much like the “Postum” I remember my grandfather drinking. I will not mention the brand name here- but if you email me I will gladly pass it on to you.
Lo and behold! It was actually rather good and somewhat satisfying. I decided to take a different approach. Enjoy a cup of coffee two planned mornings a week then sub in the “Dandy” on the other days. My stomach began to feel better and since I was naturally taking in less caffeine, I began to fall asleep and stay asleep. With more sleep my attitude and countenance were better. I had a better outlook, more Peace, and my connection with God was more tangible and steady.
So many things in life are outcomes of habitual patterns. What begins as a morning sip of coffee (harmless) can turn into 6-8 cups of raging caffeine in my veins, sleep debt, gut chaos and a snippy attitude toward those I love.
Relationship patterns can behave in much the same way. First, let me define what I mean by relationship patterns. These are what we say and do in response to what others say and do. In families we develop ingrained (sometimes invisible to the family) patterns of saying and doing to each other things that are annoying and even harmful. We get so use to these patterns that we are blind to them and think that this is just “normal”. We take the first “sip” in the morning and keep going through the day until everyone feels a little bit (or a lot) miserable by the end of the day. An example of this can be a mother or father rolling her or his eyes when the teenager walks into the room and sighs. “What now?” can be the words with a tone of “here you go again” and “ I already know what you are going to say”. This type of verbal, emotional and physical pattern repeated can inflict shame and despair in both the child and the parent.
Another pattern that I see often in families are well meaning words of advice-almost always interpreted as criticism. Or the constant rebuttal when another expresses his or her opinion. In the book of Proverbs, the poet speaks out more than once about a wife who is “quarrelsome”:
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 21:9
I would say this could go for a husband too, or any other member of the family. Relationship patterns can show up in families, in workplaces, in friendships and anywhere in life where we keep repeating the same verbal, emotional and physical response to what others do and say. Could we even go so far to say that racial prejudice and injustice toward others are deeply ingrained patterns in our very culture. So, what are we to do?
First, is self-awareness. How many “cups of coffee” are you really drinking each day? What relationship pattern do you hear or see yourself saying or doing repeatedly? Then comes reflection. Pray, ask the Holy Spirit to show you the inner driver, your motivation, the deep seeded belief that drives this response. Ask a trusted friend or mentor to give you some honest feedback. Usually these are things we cannot see in ourselves.
Many years ago, I had a Bible study leader call me and kindly ask me to stop talking so much during our group study time. Ouch! She was kind and I knew she cared about me. AND I knew I was talking a lot. I hijacked the study most weeks with my tremendous insights and wise ah-hahs! Oh my. I wrestled with this and lost many nights sleep. The next week I was almost silent during our study, but my stomach and the burning behind my eyes wanted to answer every question. Since those days I have engaged in hundreds (maybe thousands) of hours of therapy, self-awareness seminars and classes, and I have spent time in reflection, prayer, study and conversation with trusted friends and advisors. I discovered that my need to be heard came from a deep chasm in my heart that has needed care and healing and love. These things do not “fix” easily.
The reward for this work has been better more equitable relationships, respect, and regard for and from others and a deeper more peaceful faith walk with my Creator God. So, what is it that you can reflect on today that will lead you toward more healthy satisfying relationships with others? During this time of sheltering with each other these patterns can be much more intense. If you and your family are struggling, reach out and get help…if you are just merely aware and annoyed that things aren’t as congenial as they could be, then get busy and do your work. What cup will you drink from?