Relationships follow rules. Whether you know the rules or even believe or care about the rules, they are still in place. Let me use the metaphor of traffic rules. If I drive on the freeway I must stay in my lane. If I want to change lanes, I put on my blinker, look over my shoulder and move into the space at the right speed to keep up with traffic. If I miss any of these steps, I may be in danger of a serious crash resulting in injury and even death.
Relationships follow rules. We can go through life ignoring the rules, not paying attention to them or just not even bothering to care, but if this is the way you live, your relationships are probably not very satisfying and perhaps even toxic and dangerous to yourself and others. I know a woman who says, “I am just too busy to care about all that stuff, why bother?” Well, talk to her co-workers, her kids and her husband (if she still has one) and they can tell you that she is difficult to be with and they steer clear when she enters the room. Perhaps you know a person who is always negative and saying that it is everyone else’s fault that their life is one dead end after another? It is probably because of relationship rules that have been broken.
People who study relationships have many ways to describe the “rules of relationships”. I would like to point out just a few of my own observations. This won’t be an exhaustive list, but I think you will get to the jest of it.
The first is the rule of caring. “I care about you”. This is foundational to getting the relationship off on the right foot with a friend, co-worker or family member. If you show genuine care, regard and concern; if you care from the heart then you have a good start to the relationship. If you don’t care or you are just in the relationship to get something for yourself---a job, prestige, power or a cool Facebook posting—then the other person will usually sense this and put up protective internal barriers that will get in the way of enjoying the relationship.
Another rule is what I will call the rule of liking. “I like you and I want to be with you”. Children need lots of this to grow up confident and grounded in who they are as a person. Most of us do not get enough of this, so we go out looking for it. This really messes up the foundational rule of “caring” because we are trying to get something from the other person rather than caring about him or her.
Let’s get back to “liking”. Showing that you like someone is transparent. You can choose to like someone you are not particularly fond of by looking for things you do like in him or her. Dr. Caroline Leaf claims that when we change our thinking, we will have new emotions to match. We can CHOOSE to like someone, and this will help build a relationship that both people can enjoy to some level.
Other rules are formed out of honesty, transparency, trust, listening, and taking time to be present. To “be with” another is one of the greatest gifts we can give or receive. We live in a culture that is busy beyond necessary and loneliness is an epidemic causing stress, depression, despair, physical ailments and even death. It may be good to learn something about how to have healthy, satisfying relationships, won’t you agree?
So, what gets in the way of healthy relationships that satisfy? When do the “rules” get broken? I notice that one the most common things that tears down relationships is fear. James 4:1 says this:
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill.
This is fear of not getting what we want! We will even “kill” to get it. Not much caring here. Then, what may come out is everything from shallow conversations, defensiveness, hiding, dishonesty, lack of trust, and even real physical murder. People deflect, defend and attack when they are afraid of getting hurt or not getting what they want in the relationship. I have even seen and heard people behave this way toward the people they love the most. This is actually what happens most of the time. When have you treated a mere stranger with kindness and respect, then turned back to your loved one with disdain and disrespect?
A final rule I will mention here is the rule of Triangles. “Stay out of the triangle”. When there are three or more people in a family, a church group, a team or any place where 3 or more folks are gathered, you must stay out of the triangle. Each person must talk with and work out the relationship with each of the others individually. If Sally goes to Bob to talk over her problem that she has with Gladys, then there is a triangle. Sally must talk with and work out the conflict directly with Gladys…
OK…there are many more and I would encourage you to study the “rule book” and begin to try moving toward healthier and more enjoyable relationships. It starts by getting your own heart right, healed and ready to care, to listen, to be with the other. I have heard that we must receive love before we can give it. I believe this is true. Jesus said, “ Love one another as I have loved you…” John 13:34 First receive, then Love.
You have a choice. You can just hop in the ring and play bumper cars, hurting yourself and others OR you can be more intentional to learn and grow to be the person another can trust and enjoy…then get on the highway to enjoy your loved ones, building deeper more satisfying, life giving relationships.
I will close with this: Friends…love one another deeply, from the heart. 1Peter 1:22 That’s the “rule book” summed up quite nicely.