Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13 (NIV)
“But you don’t know how he/she hurt me!”, you may say. Can I say a bit more about forgiveness today?
We have all been hurt and we have all offended someone at sometime in our lives. My first response to being hurt or hurting someone else is, well, I must admit this, it’s defensiveness. Whether I have been hurt and lash out in defense or I have intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone else, my go to response is to defend myself.
Jesus has a lot to say about forgiveness, “forgive seventy times seven” (which essentially mean indefinitely); “forgive as I and my Father have forgiven you”; “forgive from the depth of your heart” and finally, in the Lord’s Prayer he goes so far as to instruct us to ask for forgiveness from God as we forgive. I don’t know about you, but this seems to be a taller order than I can achieve.
I work with women and men who are recovering from trauma, addictions and horrific childhood abuses. When it comes to forgiveness, it almost seems unjust to forgive such an offender compared to the atrocities the victim has suffered. Yet, the Lord says that this is the only way to freedom. When we forgive, we access -in some mysterious way- the forgiveness of the Father and freedom to go on living well.
I have heard that unforgiveness is like carrying the other person around on a meat hook. The weight is always there, getting in the way of every healthy relationship we desire, especially and including God. Another way to look at this is the old metaphor about bitterness and resentment (bi-products of unforgiveness). Resentment is like putting poison in someone’s drink and then drinking it down yourself. We carry these burdens of unforgiveness. We drink in and absorb bitterness and resentment when we are unable to let go. We even suffer physical ailments -perhaps even death- when we refuse to forgive. So how do we really forgive and move toward freedom?
I have found helpful tools for working through forgiveness in the Genesis Process materials (www.genesisproces.org). The process is most helpful when you take the time to reflect and write it out, then talk about it and pray through it with a trusted friend, counselor or spiritual mentor. The process goes like this:
First come with a soft and open heart ready to forgive. Next, identify the person and the offense as clearly and accurately as possible. Third, write down how this offense has affected you-how you feel and what you do in response. The next step is one of the most important pieces that many folks skip over: Clearly define the judgment you have harbored in your own heart and the defensive reaction(s) that you have continued to engage in. Finally pray through the forgiveness prayer below, including repentance for your own sinful response to the offense. This prayer is just a guideline, you must make it personal between you and God.
Here’s a quick fictitious example: Sally wants to forgive her sister who bullied her while growing up and is still somewhat of a bully. Sally wants to be free to love her sister and not carry the bitterness any longer. 1-she identifies her sister as “the person”. 2- she describes the examples: bullying as children and also a current situation. 3-she writes how she feels, discouraged, angry, ashamed. Then she realizes that she lashes out at her children when they remind her of these situations. 4- she has judged her sister as mean and uncaring…a BULLY! She has carried hatred and unforgiveness in her own heart against her sister. 5 She then chooses to forgive and prays that God would forgive her. She speaks a blessing about her sister and asks God to remove the bitterness in her heart. She asks God for new ways to respond to others and even her sister when she is actively bullying.
This is the beginning of letting go. Forgiveness is usually a process and can take time and several layers to work through. Fear of being hurt again can get in the way. Forgiveness does not mean you need to form a close relationship- or any relationship- with the person who has offended you. Restoration may be a future outcome, but it is not necessary. Putting yourself in a place to be bullied or abused again is not the purpose of forgiveness. Forgiveness is for your freedom. It is the first step to a thriving and healthy relationship with God and others. You get to choose who those others will be.
A Sample Forgiveness Prayer: (from the Genesis Process)
Father, Your Word says that in order to be forgiven, I must forgive. And so I come to you in the name of Jesus, in obedience and love, and I bring (name)_________________ before you. I cancel the debt he/she owes me of (name the debt) __________________________________. I choose to forgive him/her for (name specific offenses) _____________________________________ and I ask that you would not hold this sin against _____________________on my account. I release ____________________from any desire on my part to see ___________________ punished. In fact, as You have told me to do, I bless ____________in Your Son’s name, Jesus. You know _______________desires, needs and hurts. You know what would bless ______________. And so, I ask that you would pour out Your love and Healing to ___________ and bring _____________ your highest good, because You name is Love, and You are not willing that any would perish. Now also, Father please heal my heart of bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment (name any other strongholds) _____________________ and set me free to love _________as you do. In Jesus’ name. Amen
The TRUTH sets you Free: Pray and ask God to show you this person as He sees them. Ask Him to show you what is true. Ask Him if there is anything else for you to do to heal this relationship. Check with trusted accountability for wisdom and affirmation. (from Genesis Workbook © Dye)
May the Lord Bless you as you walk toward forgiveness and freedom!