You may not know this is happening, but there are patterns and systems operating in you and in your relationships. Like the hard drive in your computer these elusive and elaborate drivers are operating beneath your conscious radar screen. What are they? How do they work? And what can you do about them?
On a personal level every thought, emotion, and behavior that you think, feel, and do has an anchor in what you believe deep in your soul. What you believe about yourself, God and others will drive every thought, emotion, and response even to the point of doing something that you could never believe you would do. For example, if you believe that you do not matter, God does not care and other people exist to use you or be used by you, then you will likely develop ways to protect your emotions, and devise behaviors that protect you from others. If, on the other hand, you have a healthy view of your worth as a person, that God is personal and cares for you and others exist to enjoy camaraderie and assist each other when needed, then you will likely have more internal joy and peace, be able to “hear” from God and have dynamic and satisfying relationships with others.
The big problem is that we all have toxic beliefs that have been formed carefully from the time we entered the human family. We have been born into a fallen world and have self-centeredness raging through our veins. The apostle Paul calls this out in his letter to the Romans when he talks about the phenomena of “doing the very thing that I hate” and “not doing the very thing I want”. Spoiler alert, we all do this! Just think of the last time you overreacted or underreacted. What did you do? What did you say? …or not do? Or not say?
Each of us have these protective ways that we have carefully forged inside. Daniel Amen in his recent book, Your Brain is Always Listening (Amen, 2021), talks about these as the “dragons” within. These dragons are formed and gain influence over us (and inside of us) according to what we choose to believe. They can be tamed, claims Dr. Amen. And must be tamed if we have any hope of having loving relationships with others, God, and our own selves. I highly recommend this book if you would like to explore further.
Michael Dye, in the Genesis Process (www.genesisprocess.org) calls these influencers “Protective Personalities”. These come from the way that we interpreted the world as a young child. We form our beliefs about the safety or lack of safety in our world. According to our interpretation (whether it is true or not) we decided what was true and how we needed to protect ourselves in life against the neglect, abuse, abandonment, or any other way that we experienced lack of care or regard as a person. I could say more about these patterns and elaborate systems that we develop to protect ourselves, but for now just assume that this is true.
So, here we are with all this undercurrent running in our personal “hard drive”. Our inner voice cries out, “I must protect”, “I must be heard”, “I must be seen”, “I must hide”, “I have to fix everything and everyone”, “I cannot trust”, “I have to run”, “I have to stay and fix this”, “I have to….” You fill in the blank. Does any of this sound familiar?
Next, let us take this reality into our relationships. Picture this--we have a family of people whom each have formed internal patterns (dragons) to protect, control, hide or whatever. If you have four people in your family you have at least six complex relationships: Mom with child one, Mom with child two, Mom with Dad, Child one with Dad, Child two with Dad, and child one with child two. Each person is deciding how to approach the other; patterns are formed from the personal dragons each person is battling within. For instance, Mom asks child one to clean his/her room, the child responds with whining and excuses, Mom voice elevates, child one refuses, mom gets frustrated and goes to Dad, Dad begins to yell immediately and finally child one begrudgingly picks up a few clothes in the room. Multiply this by how child two is listening in, the frustration and resentful thoughts that Dad is feeling toward mom who was unable to engage her child to do a simple task…etc. A system is born, practiced and reinforced.
What we decide to say and do in response to what others say and do creates patterns of relating with one another. Every family has created a system and this system of relating either tears each person down sabotaging self-worth, inhibiting growth, and harming the heart OR brings life and health and peace to the members of the family. With that said, of course many families may have threads of both. What is the system that you have created?
Family Systems Theory was described originally by Murray Bowen (1913-1990). He described the family as an emotional system where each person reacts and responds to the others to calm the anxiety in the self and in the family system. Blame, reactivity, and responsibility for others can be the “dragons” of the family system. When the system is going haywire, (which most are) every person can take on the responsibilities of others making it his/her job to fix the system and calm the emotional stress. Each member gets caught up in and plays a role in the system keeping the unhealthy machine running. These systems do not bring life and thriving to the people in them. I would add that we also see these systems turn up in work environments, churches, volunteer organizations, political parties, governments, and nations.
Is there hope? Oh dear friend, there is always hope. God is always able and willing to bring redemption, repair and reconciliation to the world and our relationships.
“All that God has created and achieved in history has been working toward one single goal—the redemption and sanctification of his people”, says Timothy and Kathy Keller in their devotional book for married couples, The Meaning of Marriage (Keller and Keller, 2019). We do not achieve great relationships without His love first repairing our own terrified, self-centered heart. We are able to do this through Christ, believing in Him as Lord and Savior, asking for forgiveness and accepting His gift of Grace. With that settled in our heart we can begin to be repaired and reconciled to God, enjoying His love and redemption. Then we can begin to relate rightly with others.
This also does not happen with one person taking it upon her/his self to revamp the system…getting everyone in line. And it rarely happens if people deny there is anything amiss or run away. The first step in the transformation of the relational system-as with any reformation—is an acknowledgement of what is going on. Diagnosis and then treatment. Recognition of transgression then forgiveness and restoration. If you see that things are amiss in your own family system, workplace, church, or organization the first step may be to have someone come in to help. A good counselor, mentor or trained coach can help the group begin to see the problem. So often we get use to the familiar system even if it is not running so well; it may take other eyes and an external voice to speak into it.
If you or any of the people in your family (or other group) feel taken advantage of, or unsafe in any way or are not thriving to become fully the person God created you or them to be, then the system is probably not working so well. If you find yourself unhappy in your marriage, your family, or your workplace; blaming others, or miserable in some way because of how others are treating you, then the best place to start may also be with yourself. Reaching out for help is a courageous step toward thriving relationships and peace.
The Bible has much to say about the human heart…wicked, deceitful, selfish, can be easily lead astray and unable to be known by the self. The Apostle Paul, in the book of Romans, —you may notice I spend some amount of time hanging out with the Apostle Paul in this rich book of the New Testament—observes that there is no one who truly does good, we all have sinned (followed our own self-centered ways) and fallen short of the Glory of God (Romans 3:23). Be honest now, think of how recently you have demanded your own way, blamed someone else for your unhappiness or even done something nice just to feel good yourself? If none of those things sound vaguely familiar, then you might begin with denial in your own heart and mind. What was it like to engage with and be in relationship with you today?
The goal is for healing and restoration of relationships…the creation of a new system that brings life and health and peace to those who are learning to interact in new ways. Remember the Keller’s wise words? But how do we learn these ways of owning our own emotions, allowing others to make mistakes, have and show authentic emotions like fear, sadness or anger and grow without each person meddling with and/or controlling the others? I will admit it, it begins with me. I first need to look in my own heart, reach out to God for His Grace and find others who I can trust and who are skilled to help. Then the process of together exploration, forgiveness and moving toward a new system of relating can begin.
The Keller’s offer this prayer that may be helpful for us all: “Thank you God that, in your love for us, you do not leave us as we are, but you find ways to wake us up and move us to make changes we need to make for Your sake, our sakes and for the sake of all those around us.” (Keller and Keller, 2019. Pg.73)
That is more than enough to think about for today. I will be hoping and praying that this will be helpful for you to begin a new journey in a new direction toward peace within and healthier more loving relationships.
“Love one another as I have loved you” ---Jesus