How many of us, while in our hectic busy schedules say that we long for “Family Time”? Well, now across the country and around the world we have more family time than we could have imagined possible just 6 weeks ago. How are you doing? I am really asking this with a quiet and humble heart. How is everyone doing? This is an uncharted and unnerving time for us all.
I don’t think the virus itself is our worst enemy. Without minimizing it, most folks who contract it (97%) have few or very mild symptoms. For the others, of course it is serious and even deadly and that is why we must stay separated and care for these fragile minority. But, in truth I think that the worst part of this could be the unknown nature of how this sequestered time away from work, school and known routine – cloistered away with just our few loved ones—will affect us now and in the long term.
What I have been thinking most about lately is the climate of each home. The relationships we are being forced to have in our face—without the “social distance” factor.
Each family has patterns and systems in how they interact. How they process feelings and how they care-or don’t care-for each other. These extended times of being together can be positive or negative depending on how you have already set up these patterns and systems. So, I ask again, “How are you doing?”
The ancient Jewish and Christian scriptures talk a lot about loving one another- caring for each other and being kind. My husband and I are basically retired and are spending a lot of time together these days (and even more now). Even though we have pretty good patterns of speaking kindly toward each other and working through our tough conversations with regard for each other, we still find ourselves snapping, overreacting, or controlling and manipulating each other from time to time (actually more often than I would like to admit). This precious good man, whom I love deeply sometimes morphs into someone closely resembling my worst enemy --in my mind-- just because he had a different way of thinking about something than I did, or put a cup in the dishwasher in the wrong manner. We have worked on our “stuff” and on our patterns for many years, yet still we can treat each other worse than a hated enemy.
How are you doing? Sometimes in our own families, it is difficult to see the ingrained patterns and systems that are running in the background. But when we are forced into tight quarters for extended periods of time those patterns and systems come up out of the dark waters like a fire breathing dragon in a science fiction movie. Perhaps you are schooling your children now. The assignments look straight forward enough with page numbers, worksheets and clear instruction, but then Johnny is curled over his newest Lego creation or video game and refuses to even pick up the book or the pencil, what do you do? What kind of words are you using? What are you feeling inside? What are you hoping for?
During a crisis, we can be at our best or our worst. We can react from the deep dark waters of our fear and uncertainty…..or we can take this time to learn how to move into a different way of being, a new way of responding. Can we perhaps learn to operate out of love?
Ok, so let’s get practical. First, this is an extreme and trying time. This can be a blessing in disguise for you and your family. A time to look at the patterns and systems together and talk it over, maybe even come up with a plan together! We have TIME. And we are together-physically. We long for connection and belonging, so how can we begin to learn how to do this in our own families and our own homes?
The good news –and the bad news- is that it begins with you….It begins with the parents- the ones who are call to the be the leaders of our homes. This is not the government’s job, this is your job. It always has been, but now it is much more clear and real. In Jim Burns’ book, Confident Parenting (2007) he comments that “deep down, kids desire order and balance” (pg.127). We are to be the conduit for children to experience belonging, discipline and love. This is not about “forcing obedience” but more about first connecting on an emotional level, understanding how your our child(ren) click(s) and being able to respond, stand strong and help the child engage in life to do what they need to do and treat other people (and themselves) with love and respect.
Getting back to being together in these tight quarters for a time that none of us quite know how long will last….how are you responding? What can you do as a parent, spouse, sibling, or friend to connect and respond in ways that help each grow and navigate the stressful time. What can you do together to enjoy the time you have now? How can you as the leaders of your homes build a grace filled and structured environment where the kids and others in the home feel safe and loved and cared for?
My husband has been memorizing an old verse out of the Bible’s Old Testament (common to the Christian and Jewish traditions) He is speaking these words out loud over dear friends and family for encouragement and peace. I would like to “speak” them over you and your loved one’s today:
“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
We will get through this time. It’s up to each of us how we will care for each other or not.
My final encouragement is this: Dear Children, Let us Love one another.
Be Well My friends,
Kindly, Rebecca Sassenrath
Watch for my upcoming 6 week Parenting for ReaLife workshop on Zoom! Dates TBA Join in from the comfort of your home!