Launching
10…9…8…7…6... “Houston we are clear for lift off”…5…4…3...2…1… Blastoff! The tension mounted in the heat of July 1969 as we watched Apollo 11 launch off the pad and jettison away from the earth. Three men stuffed into a tiny metal capsule were being propelled into space at the mercy of an explosion of fire and jet fuel, aimed at a tiny rock in the sky approximately 239,000 miles away from the earth’s atmosphere. Years of preparation, calculations, trial and error, blood, sweat and tears led up to this particular launch and now, more than 50 years later the 8 day mission almost seems like an archaic dream from the past.
Launching kids into adulthood can feel much like a lunar launch. Some never leave the launching pad. What can parents do to raise up kids who successfully launch into adulthood? The answer is not simple, however we can be intentional in providing a “good enough” environment and support for kids to grow and successfully launch. I will definitely not answer the question in full in this blogpost but I hope to give some food for thought no matter what stage you find yourself in the child rearing years.
This will be a brief glimpse at considering the approach to successful launching. As we culminate these lessons on parenting the reminder is that there is no final culmination in developing a healthy family. Even when kids become adults and adults begin raising a family we are still in some stage of developing good relationships with our kids and their own families. Here are a few thoughts to ponder as we approach a subject that seems relevant in a day when it seems that only a few people are embracing adulthood at 18, 20 or even 25 years old. More and more young adults are staying home longer and are delaying the acquisition of adult skills such as financial independence, driving, the doing of laundry, meal preparation, making independent decisions and/or engaging in successful relationships. At the most recent HomeWord training for ministry leaders we learned that there is currently a longer time frame from childhood to adulthood than 20-30 years ago and there is even a new term added for what used to be “young adulthood”, which is “emerging adult”.
Many colleges are lamenting the reality that college students are showing up to school unprepared to independently manage their schedules, get their homework done or even be willing to get through a day without checking back in with mom or dad to help with assignments or other independent life tasks.
What’s a mom or dad to do? First let’s REFLECT. What is the goal in mind? What does a successful adult look like and at what age do you hope your child reaches this formidable landing?
I would suggest that launching begins at birth. The child emerges into the world, the umbilical cord is cut and usually with some accompanying screams the first breath is embraced. A brand new human being is launched into the world from the womb. The next few stages of launching will include, learning to fall asleep, self-soothing, weaning, walking, and even saying, “NO!”. As a parent it is important to begin to think of this new little person as a separate-yet very dependent—individual who is separate from yourself. You may want to go back and review the first lesson on “The Parent” to reflect on the approach you will take through these next 18-25 (or perhaps 30 if the trend continues).
I was just handed a book by John Rosemond, The Well-behaved Child. Mr. Rosemond reminds us that our approach to raising children successfully will improve if we acknowledge the reality that children are “bad”. I think I was softer on this in the previous lesson on discipline, however the truth remains that children will likely always want their own way, they are self-centered at the core and will need the steady direction of confident and loving parents and caregivers to help them grow and become independent, caring adults who can manage life and give back to others. Correction and redemption will be needed all along the way.
I will not give the complete lesson at this off-ramp…if you want the whole lesson contact me to come to your church, or organization. What I would like to leave you with today are a few items that may be helpful to aim for as you launch and a couple of questions to ponder.
The skills an adult needs to manage life well are physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I will give a few items to begin the list for you to complete.
Stages
During the first 2 years there will be many milestones. This is the season where parents and caregivers provide most of the physical needs, nurture for safety and begin to model the goodness of a loving God. Cutting the umbilical cord is the first step toward independent breathing. Weaning, helping a child self-sooth and learn to fall asleep will be important steps during infancy. There are varied cultural and family rhythms that work for these stages with consistency and calm assurance being the key attitude.
The pre-school and elementary school years will bring more independence. Learning to eat with some social acceptability, get along with family members and friends, decide on clothing and dress, follow a schedule, get chores and homework done and be a helpful member of the family, the classroom and the friendship circle are all useful skills. Knowing the stories of God’s goodness and hearing these stories from people in and outside of the family circle can be helpful. Because children will tend to be self-centered and demand their own way for their own sake, a sense of reflection about others feelings—caring for others—will help them. There will be times when the parent, teacher or another adult guide will have to correct a child’s mis-deeds. Go back to the lesson on discipline for more ideas on this. The elementary school years are also a wonderful time to introduce the discipline of learning and playing a musical instrument. The far reaching benefits of learning to read music and the disciplines that are developed mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually have been experienced and enjoyed since people where created. Consider it.
My opinion is that by the time a child reaches the pre-teen (9-12 years old) stage she or he would do well to be managing their own schedule for school, events or family outings; choosing appropriate clothing and dressing by herself; have the ability to do laundry if needed; have the ability to make meals (especially pack one’s own lunch) and clean up; have regular chores that contribute to the family and home; manage school and homework mostly on his own; have a realistic view of self—valuable, loved and in need of redemption--; begin to choose appropriate friendships, and have the ability to identify and manage emotions. Finally, relationships and caring for others is developing.
A teen (13-18) will be refining all these skills. By the time a person is 18 he or she should be able to independently manage most of her/his own life tasks with the possible exception of financial independence, although having a checking account,managing savings, spending and financial commitments will be a great prelude to full financial independence. By this time the parent or caregiver has handed off most of the life task responsibilities and moves into more of a coaching role allowing the “emerging adult” to be an adult.
There may be exceptions due to special needs or circumstances, but most people are capable of doing life without much intervention by the time they are 17 or 18 years old. The final consideration for today will be to engage other adults as mentors and guides with your kids along the way. In “Sticky Faith” by Dr. Kara Powell and Dr. Chap Clark, research finds that people tend to stay stable in the faith of their youth when at least 5 adults- other than the parents—are invested with love, care and regard for the growing child. If you import these trusted folks into the life of your family early, all the better.
In closing for this time, I repeat the ancient proverb from the Old Testament biblical scriptures:
“Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old, they will not depart from it.”
This is not a promise, but the principle seems to hold. Hoping that these principles have given you food for thought to begin to help your kids head down the runway to a successful lift-off. If you are approaching this stage now, I recommend grabbing great resources and support. “Doing Life with your Adult Children” by Dr. Jim Burns is one of my favorite new books. Even if you kids are still young, it is never too early to begin to think about launching well.
…3,2,1..Lift off!
All the best to you and your family,
Rebecca Sassenrath
Resources:
Confident Parenting, by Jim Burns; Doing Life with Your Adult Children, Keep your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out, by Dr. Jim Burns; God Attachment, Why you believe, Act, and Feel the Way you Do about God, by Drs. Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub; How to have a New Teenager by Friday, by Kevin Leman; Mother & Son,The Respect Effect by Emerson Eggerichs; Parenting from the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed ; Sticky Faith,by Powell and Clark; The Christian Co dependence Recovery Workbook, From Surviving to Significance, by Stephanie A. Tucker; The Whole Brain Child, by Daniel J. Siegel,M.C. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.
Article from Forbes Magazine and HomeWord Ministries, 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do, by Amy Morin · March 6, 2019;